Run If You Dare...
...but when you run, run back to yourself.
So i packed and left. No explanation. Nothing. Just a little of Kamau's piece that haunted me everywhere i went.
I was clogged. I hibernated. Heck, i walked away.
Not even in my wildest moment did i ever think that anyone in their tight and busy schedules would take an infinitesimal moment to write in, call or even slide in the DM to ask why the blank pages were staring so hard. Some would call the words 'deep'. Others would say 'relatable'. Most asked, 'when are you writing again?'. Some, 'i just miss your writing'. The clique, 'Is everything okay?'.
"Was i a fraud?" i asked myself every moment someone reached out. Don't we all have those moment?
As beyond and extremely humbled i was by all the ones that did nudge me. As vulnerable i am. As much as self doubt creeps. As much as we all fight with procrastination. As much as we feel we are not worthy. As daunting as the process seems to be...i couldn't run no more. I was out of breath. I was like snowfall in winter. I had to find a place to land.
- Life is a gift and a temporary one at that -
So here goes, my pep talk... I am not broken. I am not a fraud. Those negative thoughts are not mine. For Pete sake, most of those voices are not even mine!! Now i know better. Now i believe them when they say, no matter who you are, no matter what you do, you have changed someone, with a compliment, a call, a word, a touch, a smile...knowingly or unknowingly.
Our words are a reflection to someone else out there. Someone looking to read through and say, 'Me too.' They have found a home in our words. You have made someone bolder without even knowing it. You have made someone know that their voice should be heard. You have made someone take optimism as way of life thank God for poetry, Biko Zulu, Upile Chisala, R.M. Drake, r.h.sin...
On the run, i knew it's all about listening,
That caring is not a weakness,
All about looking someone in the eye,
I am my own validation,
Long hugs are the best,
There is no shame in rolling memories on your cheeks from time to time,
Trust you gut every single time, it never lies,
Finding and losing yourself at the same time,
Reaching out to that long lost friend,
Making new friends,
Most of all, every time i run, i will strive to run back to myself.
I may have my moments of self doubt especially in this platform. I may not like my own voice at times. I may fall short. I am broken. But do you know where the beauty lies? The beauty lies in having you nudge me, trusting the process, loving every flaw, feeling your echo through these words, the oblivion of how these words will be perceived...the beauty is having a family in here. (Hi Idu Emeziem of Fashionably Idu, A*, Rebecca Wanyonyi of Sincerely Beccah, Maiko, Shiko from Extra Mile, Esther, Suzie, the list goes on...)
We claim we want to fly yet we settle for other voices, not ours. We go against our judgement. Against our drive. Against our believe. We search for evil in good and good in evil. Let go of everything that brings harm to your heart because it can and will get worse but I believe in you and your ability to let go. The ability to reclaim your calm. Your peace. Redeem yourself one more time. It's the little things that matter.
Run if you dare...just don't lose yourself in the whole pandemonium.
As a creative in the industry you are in, what do you constantly struggle with? I'd love to here your answers in the comment section below.